Description: The article is about edward jones login. The passage is a dialogue between the fictitious Edward Jones character and an old lady character. They have talked about some of the services that Edward Jones may offer to its customers.
Welcome to Edward Jones investments,my name is Edward Jones,but on Wall Street,people do not call me Edward Jones,they call me Fast Eddie,he is someone who is so incompetent that I cannot offer anything. Little old lady,what can I do for you today?
Fast Eddie,I do not have the Internet,my name is little old lady,I have seen thousands of your television commercials. I do not doubt it,they air about every 30 seconds on every channel on the entire planet,they are playing it every year at the regional meeting after praying to help them make more sales in the next year. Our regional leaders tell us they are going to reduce our Commission’s again to pay for more television commercials.
My husband has passed away recently and he left me 1 million dollars. This is the luckiest day of my life. Excuse me? I am saying I am very sorry to hear about your loss,please take comfort and know that he’s in a much better place now with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,he is our Heavenly Father who art in heaven,hallow would be their name.
I don’t have a clue as to what to do,I need your help. You can bet I can invest this money for you,we are going to spin your money around like a record,you will never be sure of what you own now and what you have owned in the past,what you have bought and what you have sold,your phone will never stop ringing while I pester you like a dog with my new ideas for your money. Is that very prudent?
I have heard on your television commercials that your investment philosophy is a long-term buy-and-hold strategy. That is a sales pitch for people. What we do is that we sell you a little of this today and buy some of that tomorrow,and the day after that we sell that and buy this again.
I don’t understand. You obviously don’t know about it or else you would not be in here talking to me in the first place. First what I can do for you is to sell you some obscure long-term bonds that are best suited for sophisticated investors instead of someone who should not buy green bananas,with these bonds,if the underlying enterprise does not go bankrupt in the next quarter of a century,they will mature in about 30 years. Next I am going to sell you an annuity contract product that charges you outrageous fees while paying me a generous upfront Commission,you will scream before you can figure it out.
By the way I am going to throw in some pitifully perfoming mutual funds with huge upfront sales commissions,I am going to sell you a mutual fund that is from one of my preferred fund families. What are preferred fund families? Preferred fund family means that Edward Jones investments as a shady and secretive,revenue sharing agreement with that mutual fund.
What is the revenue-sharing? A revenue sharing agreement is a fancy way of saying kickback,if I sell a preferred mutual fund,Edward Jones investments gets a kickback from that mutual fund company,those preferred mutual funds will lavish upon opportunities to fly all creation at the mutual fund company’s expense.
I have already visited five foreign countries,these mutual funds have an upfront sales fee that is high enough to experience weightlessness. I have already been paid. Please be gentle with me,Fast Eddie,I am very vulnerable now.
You will look to me for guidance but all you will see is the image of a monkey. Are you sure you know what you are doing? I am the professional here,Eddie has taught sales tactics but not investment strategies,someone has to put something on this investment company,they should know that spending money on advertisement cannot make money for their clients.
I feel trapped. Screwed is a better word in the near future,the value of your portfolio is likely to be about half of what it is today,you will not sleep,your soul will feel tortured,you will feel betrayed,you will call me,you will cry,you will beg,we will pray together,I will make you feel ungrateful.
I will sell you some of this today and buy you some of that tomorrow and then I will sell it and buy this again,I will charge you more outrageous commissions that add up into the stratosphere. I wish to be relaxed and comfortable in my old age. It never happens,you need to start hooking,you need to turn as many tricks as you can in the next few years.
You need to make that money while you still got some game left. But I’ve got a million dollars. What I am saying is those will probably be worth pennies on the dollar. We will sell them and buy these and then sell these and buy those,you can pray that they will one day regain their value. But remember those bonds will mature in 30 years. For getting money out of that annuity,that will be the most complex frustrating expensive thing that you ever try to do.
We can always sell the mutual funds and buy a different,preferred mutual fund company,don’t you at least have a clue as to how we make a small fortune for our clients? No. How do you make a small fortune for your clients by starting with a large fortune? For some strange reason,I believe every word you have said is the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Can I refer my friends and family to you? Absolutely.